Yesterday started with me thick in a dream. I was laying with my ex lover TJ. We were laying in the same bed that I was currently sleeping in. My arm was lazily circling the tattoo outlines of his chest piece and strangely, petting the small tree that was growing from his heart out of his skin.
“You really need to trim this tree, its getting out of control”, I said lazily plucking at the tiny leaves, while laying my head on his chest.
“Yeah, I’ve been meaning to do that”, he replied. His voice was funny, as if I was hearing it through an old telephone.
I woke up to the sound of my ex roommate letting me know her sister had triplets. I was such in a daze, because the dream was so real, that I had no idea what names she was saying.. .. all I could feel was that strange moment of vanishing and pulling away.. Much like the day he passed away. I had him for a moment in my head, and it was all so clear… and then he was gone.
My head swelled up with pressure, and my throat closed up, and I started choking up into tears. It was the first dream I had of him in 15 months. I even, in waking, smelled him near me. .. My head was playing tricks on me.
I had tried to go back to bed, and let my brain send me back to where I was, but it didn’t work. I just laid there, praying that I’d see him again,and it didn’t happen.
I walked, heavy legged through to the hallway to the kitchen to my ex roommate to ask her to repeat her story and attempt to compose myself for the day. Afterwards she said “What would you like to do”, and I mentioned quickly while wiping my wet weeping face “Cindy Sherman, please. SFMOMA. .. We have to see it”.